Tips on Surviving a ‘One-Sided’ Breakup

Are you going through a bad one-sided break-up? Are you listening to sad songs in loops? Have you been remembering all the joyous moments you spent just thinking about the look she gave you three weeks ago, which certainly meant she was madly in love with you? If the answer is yes, then don’t worry we have help for you.

What was that? You don’t know what a one-sided breakup is? Then this article’s not for you. Go do something better with your life like Tinder or whatever. You still want to know? OK, a one-sided breakup is where you get the final nailed-on confirmation from your one-sided love interest that she’s not into you. And she never will be. (This part is important!)

Look, she was never into you to begin with but you always harboured hope. Whenever she passed a smile or even a glance at you, you started thinking of all the lovely grandchildren you’d have with her. But then one day she starts seeing someone else. You’re still hopeful because that guy is an asshole, everyone knows that, and you can’t believe how she doesn’t realise it to be honest. However, girls can be like that sometimes. She’ll know very soon. Once the asshole breaks her gentle heart, she’ll come running for the warmth of your bear hug.

This, however, doesn’t happen and she, still blissfully ignorant of your existence, either starts seeing someone else or just marries that asshole. And then it finally dawns upon you that she was never into you and you were a fool to keep your flame burning even against the strongest of winds. After spending nights after nights submerged in old monk and coke, you still can’t get the feeling out of your head. One-sided breakups are the worst kind. That’s why, here’s help.

Remember, this too shall pass

Admit it, this is not new. You’ve had many deep one-sided relationships in the past. And deeper the relationship, worse is the breakup. This too shall pass and you’d find someone else. To love unconditionally. From afar.

Give time to yourself

Get that lubricant and tissue box out of the attic. It’s been lying there too long. Don’t forget to check the expiry date on the lubricant. PH FTW!

Avoid over-indulgence

This one’s quite self-explanatory. After a bad breakup there’s a tendency among jilted lovers to just fall off the wayside. Indulge themselves with too much junk food and porn. While ‘giving yourself time’ is a good way to bounce back, giving yourself too much time and attention could be, well, counterproductive. You don’t want your entire browser history to be drowned in naughty videos and your entire sock collection drowned in…well…whatever. Pizzas don’t come cheap either.

Indulge in social therapy

Go out and meet some friends who you’ve been ignoring all this while because they warned you about her. They told you this day would come but you didn’t listen. What do they know about true love? They’ve never loved like you. No one has ever loved like you.

Sure they’ll laugh at you and do the tiresome “I told you so” routine. Take it in your stride. They are the people you want around, if only for the next time.

Remember, no situation is good or bad. It’s your reaction to the situation that makes it worse. Remember, bad times don’t last, bad boys do! Wait, is it 'rough times don't last, rough men do'? No, no. It's 'hard times don't last, hard men do'. Fuck it, who cares!